I want some of whatever substance the Island is on, legal or not. Never have I seen a society pulsate with shiny happy people holding hands where philosophical reflection is the plat du jour, and starting every sentence with felizzzzzzzz is as contagious as cholera. If Hallmark® were to throw up, The Island would be the perfect basin to do so.
As someone who was schooled in the institution of two tears in a bucket…fuck it, and you’re fucking kidding me, right?, I believe cynicism, sarcasm, and irony to be a timeless accessory so fashionable, I dare not leave home without them. As multidimensional, complex and complicated people, New Yorkers know that while there are moments of joy, we are realistic enough to know that there is no such thing as sheer bliss as Islanders seem to believe. But don’t take my word for it. You can conduct a survey of all your Islander friends on Facebook and Twitter and count how many of them have quoted Deepak Chopra, Laura Esquivel, or Celine Dion on their status bars. I guarantee you will see endless strings of positive affirmations from people who have a profound need to sing their virtues even in times of despair, say when the hair salon is closed. You can’t help but wonder if someone has been drinking the té de campana.
Sappy poetic prose had its place in the eighties when Yaqui Núñez del Risco introduced artists in el Show del Medio Día, or when Negro Santos talked about the landscape of The Island in Santo Domingo Invita. Nowadays, in the age of technology, this kind of written discourse is as ubiquitous as a bottle of Presidente in a colmado. The day starts with being feliiizzzzz, and it ends with being even more felizzzzzz, and even the most mundane of occurrences mandate an obligatory feliiiiiiiizzzzzzz. Fortunately for us, I have yet to hear Islanders orally express themselves in such fashion.
Therefore, in this entry I invite you to engage in this endeavor by giving you the top five circumstances with the corresponding keywords that should be included as you begin preaching ad nauseam your ethereal glee.
Always show excessive gratefulness regardless of your circumstances. Words like gracias, agradecida, afortunada, and the ever-favorite feliiizzzzz are good choices. Also, try to end with yesssss, as this has been a trend that somehow has caught on.
Speak about it as if you were the only person in the world to be with child. Words such as satisfecha and realizada should go hand in hand, because of course, in The Island a woman can have a doctorate in nuclear physics, end poverty, and cure cancer all at the same time, but she will never be as realizada or completa as a woman who has had a child.
Speak about how enlightened you are. Iluminada and bendecida are good choices.
You should never complain. It will only open the door for Islanders to prove that they are so much more iluminada than you. Instead use fuerza, paciencia, sabiduría, aliento. Luchar is also good since it shows that you are being proactive about the situation.
Dreams coming true (or not).
Phrase your utterance in a command. Beyond appearing to be the more evolved of mortals, people will perceive you as having reached a stage that others haven’t. Again realizada, realizando, realidad, metas, alcanzar are optimal choices. Methaphors for goals such as cima, cúspide, horizonte, sueños, will grant you the blue ribbon of frases para pensar.
I did however, discover a time when the effects of the mystery joy juice magically wear off: During a blackout. Your will hear them say: ¡Coño! Pero tienen a uno jarto con estos malditos apagones y el gobierno robandose to’ los cuartos. And of course my statement seamos agradecidos, pues somos afortunados y privilegiados de tener albergue cuando hay tantos que se conforman con sólo soñar en tener algún día un hogar, was immediately refuted with: ¡Coño! ¿Pero tú tienes los cojones de saltar con esa pendejá?
I shrugged. And utterly baffled, I chased my fading feliiiiiiizzzz with a coconut mojito.