Pass The Dutchie on the Left Hand Side

I want some of whatever substance the Island is on, legal or not.  Never have I seen a society pulsate with shiny happy people holding hands where philosophical reflection is the plat du jour, and starting every sentence with felizzzzzzzz is as contagious as cholera.   If Hallmark® were to throw up, The Island would be the perfect basin to do so.

As someone who was schooled in the institution of two tears in a bucket…fuck it, and you’re fucking kidding me, right?, I believe cynicism, sarcasm, and irony to be a timeless accessory so fashionable, I dare not leave home without them.  As multidimensional, complex and complicated people, New Yorkers know that while there are moments of joy, we are realistic enough to know that there is no such thing as sheer bliss as Islanders seem to believe. But don’t take my word for it. You can conduct a survey of all your Islander friends on Facebook and Twitter and count how many of them have quoted Deepak Chopra, Laura Esquivel, or Celine Dion on their status bars.  I guarantee you will see endless strings of positive affirmations from people who have a profound need to sing their virtues even in times of despair, say when the hair salon is closed. You can’t help but wonder if someone has been drinking the té de campana.

Sappy poetic prose had its place in the eighties when Yaqui Núñez del Risco introduced artists in el Show del Medio Día, or when Negro Santos talked about the landscape of The Island in Santo Domingo Invita. Nowadays, in the age of technology, this kind of written discourse is as ubiquitous as a bottle of Presidente in a colmado.  The day starts with being feliiizzzzz, and it ends with being even more felizzzzzz, and even the most mundane of occurrences mandate an obligatory feliiiiiiiizzzzzzz.  Fortunately for us, I have yet to hear Islanders orally express themselves in such fashion.

Therefore, in this entry I invite you to engage in this endeavor by giving you the top five circumstances with the corresponding keywords that should be included as you begin preaching ad nauseam your ethereal glee.

Everyday Life
Always show excessive gratefulness regardless of your circumstances. Words like gracias, agradecida, afortunada, and the ever-favorite feliiizzzzz are good choices. Also, try to end with yesssss, as this has been a trend that somehow has caught on.

Motherhood
Speak about it as if you were the only person in the world to be with child.  Words such as satisfecha and realizada should go hand in hand, because of course, in The Island a woman can have a doctorate in nuclear physics, end poverty, and cure cancer all at the same time, but she will never be as realizada or completa as a woman who has had a child.

Spirituality
Speak about how enlightened you are.  Iluminada and bendecida are good choices.

Viscicitudes
You should never complain. It will only open the door for Islanders to prove that they are so much more iluminada than you.  Instead use fuerza, paciencia, sabiduría, aliento. Luchar is also good since it shows that you are being proactive about the situation.

Dreams coming true (or not).
Phrase your utterance in a command. Beyond appearing to be the more evolved of mortals, people will perceive you as having reached a stage that others haven’t. Again realizada, realizando, realidad, metas, alcanzar are optimal choices.  Methaphors for goals such as cima, cúspide, horizonte, sueños, will grant you the blue ribbon of frases para pensar.

I did however, discover a time when the effects of the mystery joy juice magically wear off: During a blackout.   Your will hear them say:  ¡Coño! Pero tienen a uno jarto con estos malditos apagones y el gobierno robandose to’ los cuartos. And of course my statement seamos agradecidos, pues somos afortunados y privilegiados de tener albergue cuando hay tantos que se conforman con sólo soñar en tener algún día un hogar, was immediately refuted with:  ¡Coño! ¿Pero tú tienes los cojones de saltar con esa pendejá?

I shrugged.  And utterly baffled, I chased my fading feliiiiiiizzzz with a coconut mojito.

14 responses to “Pass The Dutchie on the Left Hand Side

  1. Its obvious the reason Islanders profess this constant joy and hapiness in venues such as facebook. Its to hide the fact that they are living in a society that takes 1 step forward and 2 steps back. That no matter how much they achieve they will never be happy with what they get.

  2. Definition of happiness: ?

  3. Utterly vicious, LOL! Let them be feliiiizzzzz!

  4. Estoy FELIZZZZZZZZZZZ. Wao Nuala! keep hitting that nail on the head!

    • hi squirrel i have a pro nitro buggy and i tuned it and i dont think im gntiteg the full speed how do iknow when im going full speed and when i do go full speed it slow down and sounds like it is about to shut down can you help iknow the full speed is 60 miles ph i wram it up befor i try to go full speed but it wont go yhe full 60 so can please help thanks

    • THX that’s a great answer!

  5. Off with thier heads my lady>>

  6. LMAO! I did a survey. Out of my 80 Island friends on my FB, 13 had posted a frase para pensar this week only. LOL. Hahaha….

  7. Hilarious! On point. Love it!

    • Thank you Krishna sir,We really acaerpipte for your kind information regarding our beloved village. It has been always fantastic to hear news about our village in such a way,especially, in development sector. I am very much proud of you that you have been serving for our village for such a long prior of time.When I saw your face it remind me of my school age and all those stupid things that i used to do at that time. It just feels like yesterday, I feel young again like a boy. I do hope you also feel the same as me, don’t you sir? I have no doubt you have a huge connection with the school and village both emotionally and physically. I know you love the place same as any other villagers. Only one thing is different with compare to other is that you have been contributing with your highly respected qualification, dedication and honestly almost whole of your life.My heartfelt thanks to you for your hard work and showing such an enthusiasm towards our village and as well as school.We are very lucky to have such a generous teacher and proud of you.Your sincerelyEx student Arjun badmas danda ghar.PS it would be better if you could publish your e mail add so we can contact you personally in future.

    • I’m really into it, thanks for this great stuff!

  8. My brother and sister in law came to visit us for the fall. We recieved them con todos los powers. We had the best dinners. We took them everywhere. They shopped til they dropped. Then one night over drinks and leisure conversation he thanked us for our hospitality,complemented us on our lifestyle and on the way we had created a safe, stable and nurturing home for our children:nevertheless after his kind words he bluntly said…”pero yo no puedo vivir en un pais tan tranquilo y organizado como este..a mi me gusta el reto del dia a dia..el calor… la gente…el tigueraje…. me dieron ganas de mandarlos a la mierda!!!!

    • Many thanks for hhlghigiting our upcoming competition Susan. As a small and new independent Press, your publicity is very much appreciated.Also, the anthology of the 11 winning stories from our first competition Gem Street is now available from the website.With very best wishes,Deborah.

  9. Pingback: Playing The Victim « Nuala Knows

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