The “S” Word

One of the things that I missed the most while living on the Island as an adult was engaging in sex-talk with my York girlfriends. We would discuss who did whom, how bad it was and who to prey on next. On the Island however, discussions about sex (at least among women) are taboo. No one tells anyone what everybody is doing with everyone.

Sexuality on the Island is arbitrary.  There is no dating, thus differentiating the forbidden from the permissible becomes a tricky endeavor. “Test-driving” is non-existent, therefore gauging a perfect fit (literally and figuratively) is learned when you tie the knot, what I entitle “Backward Training: Dating Your Spouse After Getting Married.”

I have been trying for the life of me to decipher Island sexuality, and trust me when I say that even if Champollion had written the manual, I would still fail miserably. There seems to be a secret and elusive bedroom protocol that few are privy to, for it is that men who write the rules on what constitutes appropriate sexual behavior.  For example, for a while I thought that Islander men liked women as slutty as they come.  However while being a little “too forward” with an Islander “boyfriend,” he apprehensively asked “Y…¿Quién te enseñó eso a ti?” a question that is loosely translated as How many sexual partners have you had? Needless to say, I was dumped por saber demasiado. (More on Nuala’s love adventures with Islander men to come). When I decided to go through the process of deskanking myself, I had unfortunately become de esas mujeres que son buenas para coger de relajo, pero no para casarse.

Faster than you can say American Airlines… please hold, a Good Samaritan decided to enlighten me on this ever-confusing topic. She said that a little premarital experimenting was okay, provided I heed the golden rule to abstain from engaging in vaginal intercourse. She sternly warned that violating this would result not only in a broken heart but a broken hymen as well, which makes you worthless according to Islander male standards. Alas, it was late for me to implement the so-called rule (I think you know why).  However, in effort to save you future headaches and heartaches, I give you the guide to understanding what to do or say when fooling around with Islander men, provided you care enough about what they think of you or if marrying an Islander male is on your to-do list. I am grateful to my very reliable sources who have broken the honor code in effort to shed light on such a concealed topic. I thank them for revealing what goes on behind the bedroom doors of las cabañas turísticas.

The first thing is to understand how men define the sexual habits of women. The Slut (as per societal values) in Islander lingo is: avión, cuero, cuerazo y cuerinche. This is the woman who has slept with (I am sorry to say) more that one man. Although there is no official slut-o-meter, it is pretty much set in stone that a woman is expected to withhold intercourse at all cost until marriage. Failure to comply will put you at risk to being fucked, literally and figuratively.

Many Islander women do confess having slipped, so to avoid being judged as a promiscua they say the following cuentazos to their beaus:
Example A:  “I told my boyfriend that besides him, I have only slept with another man because he lured me under false pretenses.  Doy mi lloraíta and he was pretty okay with it.”

Example B: “I told my boyfriend that after I lost my virginity, me convertí a cristiana to cleanse myself.”

Example C: “Yo me hice la vaginoplastía para hacerle creer a mi novio que lo tengo nuevecito.”

On the other hand, divorced women have it the hardest. Islander men assume that they engage in a daily sexual smörgåsbord and that living alone is synonymous with one-woman brothel.  “Los hombres piensan que las mujeres divoriciadas lo tenemos pintado en la frente” said an Islander friend over salty dogs. Surprisingly, they are still expected to withhold, because giving it up will prompt the inquiry: Si ella me lo dió a mí, entonces…¿A cuántos más se lo habrá dado?

Virgins (a very loose term) are a favorite of Islander men. Virgins represent the days of yore when chivalrous young lads would court a suitable maiden in hopes to continue the propagation of the species. These men crow about having the “honor” to be the first ones to teach her the moves. She follows the golden rule (even though she will engage in every sexual filthy act possible) because if she gives up her diez cheles or tapita, she will cease to be “marriable.” However, the best trick these gaticas de María Ramos have under their sleeve is to engage in vaginal intercourse to pressure boyfriends into nuptials. Hence, this explains the increased number of bodas al vapor that result in the highest population of niños sietemesinos in the world.

If you are none of the above, consider yourself a jamona.

Once again, I firmly state that this article is shot to shit if you are foreign woman, especially a blonde American or European.  You are a hot commodity, a symbol of upward mobility, a worshiped breed who can do no wrong even when infested with every STD known to mankind. Islander men will say that eso no e’ na’ que ella haya tenido otros amantes.  Eso se usa en (insert country here).   A double-standard called “modernización” (if you are a foreigner, non Dominican-York, of course) and “libertinaje” if you are a Dominican of any sort.

I have been told though that since the Island ha cambiado muchííííísimo, there is a cadre of so-called sexually uninhibited women.  I found out that they are either currently reinventing themselves as wives, mothers, escorts, or nuns, or they have otherwise moved away (far away) from the Island to write their own rules.

16 responses to “The “S” Word

  1. Sexuality is indeed still taboo in the Island. There are very few women that I know/knew in the Island that were very open about their sexuality and were up for anything at any time. But those are the exception. The Island would be a much better place if they were a bit less bound by the social norms.

    • Having read this I thought it was etxeemrly informative.I appreciate you finding the time and effort to put this article together. I once again find myself spending a significant amount of time both reading and commenting. But so what, it was still worth it!Feel free to visit my web site;

  2. super funny BUT VERY TRUE…

    • I have dealt with this problem all of my life. Because I my of my skin, pelpoe naturally assume that I am Mexican. I\’m still trying to figure out what I am.I\’ve considered my self white all these years. My family is Spanish, Greek, German, Irish, Mexican (not as much as pelpoe think) and Itallian.Luna Out!

  3. LMAO! This is too funny. Damn it’s like I am listening to my mom right now, dique 10 cheles!!!

  4. No wonder so many young girls elope to be able to taste the forbidden fruit.

    Nuala, once again you hit a home run on cultural perception from the Island vs USA.

    • During the Victorian age, societal norms dictated extreme repression of any sexual expression. The result was, even more deviant sexual acts and all that repressed energy gave birth to many more fetishes. In the Republic of double standards and sexual repression, many young females struggling to keep their cookie for marriage would invent even more deviant sexual acts. Even more ironic is the fact that saving the cookie for marriage would not guarantee a happy long term marriage, and could not be used as totem to ward off the husband’s infidelity or domestic violence. Go figure, yet another idiosyncracy of our culture.

  5. LOL! I visited the island two months ago and experienced something to this affect.

    I was watching tv with a girl friend. We were bored and we were trying to find something good on tv. We came across an old movie (don’t remember the name of the movie, but Leonardo DiCaprio was in it), the clip happened to be a glimpse of a sex scene. She became frazzled and suddenly changed it. She quickly said ” Las senoritas no pueden ver eso.”

    I was in shock,I didn’t even know what to say. I mean, what can I possibly say to stupidity like that? It was just Leo DiCaprio with his shirt off, laying in bed. Mind you, this girl is half way to 30 years of age. But I guess its like you say Nuala, she’s single, this is how she’s “supposed” to act.

    Your blog rocks! You’ve done it again!

  6. Yo quisiera saber que fue lo que Nuala le hizo a ese hombre que la botan “por saber demasiado” jejejeje

  7. Haha!!! Too funny. Dique jamona… haha. Your blog is very true. I had a friend from the Island who was deeply in love with a foreigner. I am not sure of what happened but it was apparent that this foreigner must have wanted to take their relationship a step further. She expressed concern of giving it up although she reeeeally… and I mean really wanted to. So she giggles as she tells me the story and then says “pero sabes que ay otras cosas que se pueden hacer”… I guess although she must have done some dirty deeds, she felt she was able to keep her integrity… LAME!!! Tanta vaina y total que la dejaron fria!

  8. Jeje, funny! They become public commodity.

    -“Mira loco, esa es la tipa que rapa más que un greda…”
    -“Diaaablo loco, preséntamela, a ver si me sale algo esta noche!”

    Needless to say that they are expecting the “transaction” to go something like this:

    -“Hola fulana, te presento a mi pana fulano”
    -“Oh, mucho gusto fulano, let’s get in bed, right now!”

    A little exaggeration , of course….

  9. I’d like to see the Bubble in the island pop so loud it shakes the rest of the world. How is it that in this day and age and with all those fancy buildings and high end stores does a country’s idiosyncrasy fall so behind? Nuala your humoristic take on these matters need to lead towards a further sociological investigation where we find the reason causing the problem and yank it out of the dominican people’s minds.

    I just read this week that the Cardinal closed once again a new gay bar in Santo Domingo alleging that the up-scale venue was a place of immoral breeding place and that the good valued dominican people can do without that.

    I would pay closer attention to all the money being washed and all the drugs being passed through the Dominican Republic as it is a latent problem that is getting out of hand. The main problem with Dominicans in the island right now is that pressing matters are not taken care of because their minds are all contained in this huge bubble where their own little version of “morality” blinds and renders them unable to see what the real issues are.

    Hipocrisy is the name of the game and i think that dominicans from the island should all receive an honorary PHD in the subject.

    eagerly expecting your next entry!

  10. Story about a Dominican young girl and a Spanish man… Turns out the girl has had sex before marriage and the family is conserned about how they are are going to break the news to the Spaniard and how he will take it…

    “Hay que decirle porque él se va a dar cuenta… Father talks…Mire señor yo quiero decirle algo mi hija es una muchacha buena, seria, educada pero ella tuvo un tropezón… Spaniard. Un tropezón? Pero un tropezón lo tiene cualquiera, no hay problema… Después de la boda en la luna de miel el español se da cuenta que ella no es “señorita”. Al otro día la lleva a casa de sus padres furioso. Su hija no es señorita! Usted me dijo que tenía una hija seria! Father. Si pero le dije que ella tuvo un tropezón anteriormente. Spaniard. Si! Pero en España la gente se tropiezan con los pies! No con el culo!” lol

  11. Soberano Disparate! or if you prefer it in english: BS!!!! It is not fair to describe dominican society as it was 20 years ago and pretend that it is the current situation. If you are going to write at the very least have the cojones to do so properly.

  12. Pingback: The Dark Side | Nuala Knows

  13. OOOOOOhhhhhh pleaseeee Miranda Wilde…This situation keeps going on and on and on in the island and unfortunately will keep on going forever… I am one of those women para coger de relajo, according to their stupid standards and you know what I did? I just got the hell out of there, first to New York and then to Spain where I am enjoying my sexuality to the fullest with whomever the hell I want to… Just an anecdote, the other day my mother was telling me how a much younger friend of her, divorced, bank manager and pretty…wanted to get married again. I told my mother, Mami, dile a _______________ que para qué ella quiere tener uno cuando los puede tener a todos? Mi mamá nada más me abrió los ojos como dos medio peso…This was two months ago…there…the island hasn’t changed a bit. Nuala…love your blog…

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