Aliens Ahoy!

If Martians were to land on the Island today, you could be fairly certain that they would be hooked up with a salario de lujo, a paid apartment in La Anacaona, un carro full y de paquete and a hefty golf vacation plan in some club de empleados de la empresa tal. “¡Qué lindo habla el Marciano!” the natives would coo in awe of their light green skin, and while peppering them with questions about why would anyone leave Mars, they would dream to someday visit the beautiful red planet. These actions, what the common folk would call lambonismo and tumbapolvismo,  is what I call in politically correct terms: Trophyism.

Trophyism is not such a nouveau concept. It started circa 1492 when the mesmerized natives thought of the milky-skinned and golden-haired conquerors to be the gods themselves. The legacy of this has resulted in the well-known guacanagarismo, a reference to the time when the cacique Guacanagarix bestowed his kingdom Marien to the colonists, making it the first Christian settlement of the Island. Today, the church of Trophyism spans both the business and romantic worlds, and it thrives on foreigner worshiping and devotion.

Trophyism goes beyond displaying eye-candy for people to marvel at. It is purposeful to have a healthy amount of Aryans in your organization because it somehow gives credibility to the company (credibility being the operative word here). It works to your advantage if you’re from Wichita, Wala Wala, or Wakita because ironically, it makes you more exotic than say, being from New York (something I continue to be baffled by). You need not to worry about having a degree or even being literate for that matter.  Upon your arrival, the natives will throw a parade in your honor once they catch a glimpse of your sun-drenched tendrils and your comical salutation in your “pookeetow deh espainyol.”

Another thing I discovered is that Islanders love being ripped-off by foreigners. While on the Island, I learned about workshops that aimed to unlock the potential for anyone to achieve and attain anything. The Power of Visualization they call it. My friends were so excited to share with me the techniques that guarantee the  power to harness my potential for goal realization, they swore that all I needed was to visualize it and pay the minimal fee of three thousand dollars upon completing the course. Of course the director, an expat from some hick town in The States, had set-up shop for these talleres to take place, where the credulous would learn the so-called pillars of contentment. After enough cohorts had “graduated,” the institution filed for chapter eleven, and the owner fled the country only to leave the participants with the power to visualize getting their money back.

In the romantic realm, Trophyism takes an interesting turn. For the native drooling men, it means finally having someone to perform every deranged sexual act they have fantasized about all their lives without having to worry about the power structures that come with being an Islander man (see August 12). If you’re a foreigner male, get ready for the panty-throwing event of a lifetime, for you will never have so much readily available vajayjay in your life.

For Islander women though, it’s a bit more complex. Trophyism becomes an absolute necessity, an instrument of survival especially for dark-skinned girls who have no hope for upward mobility. The trophy husband becomes the desired ticket out of paradise because let’s face it; middle class Islander men will not marry girls of color. Plus when it comes to interracial relationships, foreigners are definitely more open to them.

I finalize by saying that as per Island standards, being a Dominican-York does afford you the privilege of being considered a foreigner, not even when you are a blue-eyed blond.  Your mottled Spanish will be the laughing stock of the natives and your style will be dismissed as presumptuous at best.  Always remember the mantra, a York is a York is a York. I am sorry to burst your bubble, so drown your sorrow with a stiff Manhattan.

9 responses to “Aliens Ahoy!

  1. Being ripped off by these charlatans is not limited to this island – it happens everywhere. Just go to any bookstore and look at the self help section! My experience is that islanders do NOT line up to be ripped off by foreigners.

    As a foreigner it is also at times pretty tough to find a decent job but I appreciate your point of view.

    LOVE the rest of the blog!!! Astute………

    • Tania – d3rfhlaith doesn’t have a blogger ancuoct and I can’t answer for her, but I know I would have been slightly creeped out by that comment!!!! It’s bad enough putting your work out there without thinking about being dissected!Rachel – ta muchly! N x

  2. this was hilarious and so right on point. The few times i’ve been in the island with my hubby i have girls flirting with him right in my face,i love my husband but he is not Tom Cruise so i think is the white skin that makes him look so irresistible back in D.R.

  3. Batman Ass Sandwich

    Good stuff. Trophyism in the romantic field dictates that dark skinned women can enhance their life value by associating with a whiter man or a foreign man. I believe it.

    The Power of Visualization: well easy to figure out this one is. If one professes to be a champ and he comes from a land of “champion campaigns” then, he clearly by 4th grader logic, can teach me how to be a “champion”. But that doesnt happen. He teaches you how to be a “champ-peon”. Magic phrases to energize my true possibilities and make me believe that ALL I need to be successful are mantras and didactically autocratic philosophies. Dont tell them that most decisions are made in back room deals through most favored relationships and nepotism.
    $3000? And then when you tell them a scam is afoot they respond that you are too negative and have poor person tendencies. The most productive businessmen are the pessimists because they plan for the unknown as best they can. The assumption that offends the most is that the author has some credibility to extol happiness or endow self fulfillment because he wrote a book. So what? What has he done to qualify himself as a guru of fulfillment? Under close scrutiny we would find he books are full of ball-sweat and creamy dreamy hope and that the author never accomplished anything in his life, especially nothing of worth that would rationalize writing a book about it.

    Long live Vajayjay!!!!!!!

  4. Lmao! You are too nice. I’d still call it lambonismo…

  5. Foreigner knows best. Isn’t that how it goes in DR?

  6. Eso tiene mucho que ver con el racismo en DR. Hasta que nosotros los dominicanos no nos convezamos de que somos negros, especialmente los “indiecito oscuro” va a seguir el relajo de estar endiosando a la gente mas blanca.

  7. reading the article made me think of when i go home and as soon as you walk out from immigration im like “what time does the next flight leave?” but you hit the nail on the head with what you are saying, I enjoyed it a lot!!!

  8. I didn’t know til recent months how race is such a ubiquitous issue on the Island…”shaking my head” as the young kids would say…

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