My Burning Bush

The sight of Islanders attending misa, círculo de oración, grupo de espiritualidad (or whatever en vogue kool-aid group) is a special one. The forty-year old Doñas divinely clad in seda cruda suits made by la costurera tal or the newly-wed couples at the very au courant rezos en comunidad are a wondrous spectacle. Indeed, Islanders are a devoted group of people.

There seems to be however, a complex dichotomy between the preaching and the practice. The merengueros thanking the lord for helping them write such inspiring lyrics such as pa’ sobarle el pompo or Freddy’s gratitude to Jesus for the miracle of life while threatening: “el que me quite mis armas lo mato,” make the moral compass of Islanders very difficult to characterize. Islanders pride themselves in belonging to the non plus ultra traditional and conservative society, where God and family are at the core of their values. But let us further evaluate this. In the Holy Land of tabaco y ron, what rationales justify the increasing divorce rates? Who is el Santo del Sagrado Lavado de Dinero? It occurs to me that Islanders need to edit their commandments so that they better reflect their much touted and unparalleled values. The mighty gods have spoken! I’ve seen the light! I have vision of the omen! And here I bestow upon you the new commandments for the Island.

THOU SHALL NOT ATTENDETH ANY TEMPLES OTHER THAN THY OWN

Islanders cannot inconvenience their worshiping with nuances such as heat. An air-conditioned church is in order.

THOU SHALL NOT CONSORTETH WITH ANY OTHER THAN THY SOCIAL GROUP

Islanders would rather rot in hell than to be seen with a member of a lesser caste. (See March 23, 2011)

HONOR THY CAR AND THY CLOTHING

Islanders will sell their mother to Satan for a Benz or a Beamer. Throw in a Lacoste shirt, and he gets the dad as a bonus.

THOU SHALL CHEATETH ON THY SPOUSE

The phrase “Yo soy un hombre serio y de familia” quickly rolls off the tongue of many Islander men. Yet they go around with their zippers open plugging themselves into anything that moves. On a given day, peruse through the Cabañas Turísticas at their peak hour, noon. No vacancy. No kidding. Los hombres serios y de familia seem to extend their hora de almuerzo to eat something more than their lunch.

THOU SHALL DIVORCETH AND REMARRIETH AS NECESSARY

So much of the sacred act of marriage.

THOU SHALL JUDGE THY BRETHREN ACCORDING                               TO HIS POSSESSIONS AND CHOICES

Keeping Up With the Joneses takes on a whole new meaning on the Island. More like Keeping Up With the Jaquezes, Islanders will try to outdo each other at any cost. Failure to do so will result in being judged and mocked should your possessions (or lifestyle) differ from theirs.

THOU SHALL NOT ASSOCIATETH WITH DOMINICAN YORKETHS

As stated myriad times, we are the Anti-Christ. Don’t be shocked by Islanders dousing themselves with garlic powder and pulling out the crosses and wood stakes when they come across  a Yorkie.

According to many gente seria y de familia, The City is Sodom and Gomorrah.  Here is the thing though, we never claimed it wasn’t.

Spring is here… start buying fruit to make those sangrías. Can I get an AMEN?

14 responses to “My Burning Bush

  1. Jajaj, tu ta pasa.. Es verdad que hay hipocresia en ese sentido, pero no a nivel general, eso depende del circulo donde te muevas. Si tu vives andando entre discotecas y bares y bohemios, si es muy probable que te aparezca un religioso doble cara. Pero mi experiencia en la comunidad en la que estabamos mi esposa y yo y donde aun estan otros amigos es algo que yo no cambio y que mucha falta me hace (al punto que aqui hemos creado uno con nuestros amigos), de verdad para mi fue un cambio de vida. Nada, para unos es un disfraz con el cual esconder su lado oscuro y para otros nos es una experiencia enriquecedora. Alla se esta viendo a mucha juventud, novios y parejas jovenes en eso (unos por moda y otros en serio) al igual que uno ve a otros en “despelote” en las calles. Mi opinion es que no es algo que se puede generalizar (como todo en la vida). Un beso.

  2. Orenthal James

    Preach On Sistah!! There is an addition to the last commandment though – If you are a Dominican female of lower social class, you shall only associate yourself with Dominican-York males, as they will be the ones that will be dumb enough to send you envios every month for your “sick relative that can’t afford his treatment”.

  3. AMEN! TOO funny. Thanks for the links! Fernandito looks soooo young.

  4. This is so funny And true!

  5. Ameeeeen sista!!! Funny post!!

    • Are you talking about more uepatds on Twitter and Facebook or on the blog.We’re happy to try new approaches but we’ve found that many teams Tweet too much during games and many are scaling back their in-game uepatds. We try to do score uepatds at the end of each period and the end of the game. We do have some new things planned for next season. Thanks for the support Jen.

  6. Verdadero Dominicano

    Thy shall not publish stupid rants, especially if you are a Dominican Yorketh.

  7. HOLLA!!!! Dang VD! You really can’t keep away can’t you? Haha!!!

  8. It is so niceth to consorteth with such a groupeth of intelligenth peopleth

  9. So just like a venereal disease, VD does not go away by just ignoring it…what are you this week, herpes…

  10. Salen a relucir las viejas estomagudas, sexualmente insatisfechas, que quieren transmitir su frustración como por ósmosis a los demás.
    But in general, anyone who bases their morals on a book thousands of years old, is because they have a f***ed up moral compass to begin with.
    I have always said that God is a personal experience, so trying to shove your idea of God, or for this matter religion, down someone else’s throat is at most ludicrous, considering God is a feeling.

    THOU SHALL GOBBLE ONE POUND OF BATATATH WITH UNA TAZA DE AVENA BEFORE LA MISA DE LAS 6:00 A.M.

    My two cents **wink, wink**

    • Well, picking Pittsburgh to make the paolyffs isn’t exactly the same as picking them to finish first.As a collective, clearly we put a lot of emphasis on last season’s performance and additionally (and probably excessively) playoff results.With that in mind I really don’t think Nashville is getting enough respect.

  11. Let’s be devote, dominican, well educated catholics and hate everyone else who isn’t. Let’s be from “familia seria” and kick the pregnant daughter or gay son out of the house because they are just shameful. Lastly, let’s treat others as we would like to be treated, but let’s judge others who are different.

  12. This is just the peecrft answer for all forum members

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