The “S” Word

One of the things that I missed the most while living on the Island as an adult was engaging in sex-talk with my York girlfriends. We would discuss who did whom, how bad it was and who to prey on next. On the Island however, discussions about sex (at least among women) are taboo. No one tells anyone what everybody is doing with everyone.

Sexuality on the Island is arbitrary.  There is no dating, thus differentiating the forbidden from the permissible becomes a tricky endeavor. “Test-driving” is non-existent, therefore gauging a perfect fit (literally and figuratively) is learned when you tie the knot, what I entitle “Backward Training: Dating Your Spouse After Getting Married.”

I have been trying for the life of me to decipher Island sexuality, and trust me when I say that even if Champollion had written the manual, I would still fail miserably. There seems to be a secret and elusive bedroom protocol that few are privy to, for it is that men who write the rules on what constitutes appropriate sexual behavior.  For example, for a while I thought that Islander men liked women as slutty as they come.  However while being a little “too forward” with an Islander “boyfriend,” he apprehensively asked “Y…¿Quién te enseñó eso a ti?” a question that is loosely translated as How many sexual partners have you had? Needless to say, I was dumped por saber demasiado. (More on Nuala’s love adventures with Islander men to come). When I decided to go through the process of deskanking myself, I had unfortunately become de esas mujeres que son buenas para coger de relajo, pero no para casarse.

Faster than you can say American Airlines… please hold, a Good Samaritan decided to enlighten me on this ever-confusing topic. She said that a little premarital experimenting was okay, provided I heed the golden rule to abstain from engaging in vaginal intercourse. She sternly warned that violating this would result not only in a broken heart but a broken hymen as well, which makes you worthless according to Islander male standards. Alas, it was late for me to implement the so-called rule (I think you know why).  However, in effort to save you future headaches and heartaches, I give you the guide to understanding what to do or say when fooling around with Islander men, provided you care enough about what they think of you or if marrying an Islander male is on your to-do list. I am grateful to my very reliable sources who have broken the honor code in effort to shed light on such a concealed topic. I thank them for revealing what goes on behind the bedroom doors of las cabañas turísticas.

The first thing is to understand how men define the sexual habits of women. The Slut (as per societal values) in Islander lingo is: avión, cuero, cuerazo y cuerinche. This is the woman who has slept with (I am sorry to say) more that one man. Although there is no official slut-o-meter, it is pretty much set in stone that a woman is expected to withhold intercourse at all cost until marriage. Failure to comply will put you at risk to being fucked, literally and figuratively.

Many Islander women do confess having slipped, so to avoid being judged as a promiscua they say the following cuentazos to their beaus:
Example A:  “I told my boyfriend that besides him, I have only slept with another man because he lured me under false pretenses.  Doy mi lloraíta and he was pretty okay with it.”

Example B: “I told my boyfriend that after I lost my virginity, me convertí a cristiana to cleanse myself.”

Example C: “Yo me hice la vaginoplastía para hacerle creer a mi novio que lo tengo nuevecito.”

On the other hand, divorced women have it the hardest. Islander men assume that they engage in a daily sexual smörgåsbord and that living alone is synonymous with one-woman brothel.  “Los hombres piensan que las mujeres divoriciadas lo tenemos pintado en la frente” said an Islander friend over salty dogs. Surprisingly, they are still expected to withhold, because giving it up will prompt the inquiry: Si ella me lo dió a mí, entonces…¿A cuántos más se lo habrá dado?

Virgins (a very loose term) are a favorite of Islander men. Virgins represent the days of yore when chivalrous young lads would court a suitable maiden in hopes to continue the propagation of the species. These men crow about having the “honor” to be the first ones to teach her the moves. She follows the golden rule (even though she will engage in every sexual filthy act possible) because if she gives up her diez cheles or tapita, she will cease to be “marriable.” However, the best trick these gaticas de María Ramos have under their sleeve is to engage in vaginal intercourse to pressure boyfriends into nuptials. Hence, this explains the increased number of bodas al vapor that result in the highest population of niños sietemesinos in the world.

If you are none of the above, consider yourself a jamona.

Once again, I firmly state that this article is shot to shit if you are foreign woman, especially a blonde American or European.  You are a hot commodity, a symbol of upward mobility, a worshiped breed who can do no wrong even when infested with every STD known to mankind. Islander men will say that eso no e’ na’ que ella haya tenido otros amantes.  Eso se usa en (insert country here).   A double-standard called “modernización” (if you are a foreigner, non Dominican-York, of course) and “libertinaje” if you are a Dominican of any sort.

I have been told though that since the Island ha cambiado muchííííísimo, there is a cadre of so-called sexually uninhibited women.  I found out that they are either currently reinventing themselves as wives, mothers, escorts, or nuns, or they have otherwise moved away (far away) from the Island to write their own rules.