The sight of Islanders attending misa, círculo de oración, grupo de espiritualidad (or whatever en vogue kool-aid group) is a special one. The forty-year old Doñas divinely clad in seda cruda suits made by la costurera tal or the newly-wed couples at the very au courant rezos en comunidad are a wondrous spectacle. Indeed, Islanders are a devoted group of people.
There seems to be however, a complex dichotomy between the preaching and the practice. The merengueros thanking the lord for helping them write such inspiring lyrics such as pa’ sobarle el pompo or Freddy’s gratitude to Jesus for the miracle of life while threatening: “el que me quite mis armas lo mato,” make the moral compass of Islanders very difficult to characterize. Islanders pride themselves in belonging to the non plus ultra traditional and conservative society, where God and family are at the core of their values. But let us further evaluate this. In the Holy Land of tabaco y ron, what rationales justify the increasing divorce rates? Who is el Santo del Sagrado Lavado de Dinero? It occurs to me that Islanders need to edit their commandments so that they better reflect their much touted and unparalleled values. The mighty gods have spoken! I’ve seen the light! I have vision of the omen! And here I bestow upon you the new commandments for the Island.
THOU SHALL NOT ATTENDETH ANY TEMPLES OTHER THAN THY OWN
Islanders cannot inconvenience their worshiping with nuances such as heat. An air-conditioned church is in order.
THOU SHALL NOT CONSORTETH WITH ANY OTHER THAN THY SOCIAL GROUP
Islanders would rather rot in hell than to be seen with a member of a lesser caste. (See March 23, 2011)
HONOR THY CAR AND THY CLOTHING
Islanders will sell their mother to Satan for a Benz or a Beamer. Throw in a Lacoste shirt, and he gets the dad as a bonus.
THOU SHALL CHEATETH ON THY SPOUSE
The phrase “Yo soy un hombre serio y de familia” quickly rolls off the tongue of many Islander men. Yet they go around with their zippers open plugging themselves into anything that moves. On a given day, peruse through the Cabañas Turísticas at their peak hour, noon. No vacancy. No kidding. Los hombres serios y de familia seem to extend their hora de almuerzo to eat something more than their lunch.
THOU SHALL DIVORCETH AND REMARRIETH AS NECESSARY
So much of the sacred act of marriage.
THOU SHALL JUDGE THY BRETHREN ACCORDING TO HIS POSSESSIONS AND CHOICES
Keeping Up With the Joneses takes on a whole new meaning on the Island. More like Keeping Up With the Jaquezes, Islanders will try to outdo each other at any cost. Failure to do so will result in being judged and mocked should your possessions (or lifestyle) differ from theirs.
THOU SHALL NOT ASSOCIATETH WITH DOMINICAN YORKETHS
As stated myriad times, we are the Anti-Christ. Don’t be shocked by Islanders dousing themselves with garlic powder and pulling out the crosses and wood stakes when they come across a Yorkie.
According to many gente seria y de familia, The City is Sodom and Gomorrah. Here is the thing though, we never claimed it wasn’t.
Spring is here… start buying fruit to make those sangrías. Can I get an AMEN?